The Life and Times of Jasper Whitlock Hale
by Vierva
Summary: Carlisle and Esme leave for a week-long vacation and Jasper tries, in vain, to relax in the middle of a full-on prank war between his siblings. Set pre-Twilight


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight or any of its characters.

**AN:** I came up with this while reading a story (The Diary of Seth) written by my wonderful friend, earth warrior. It's probably hideously OOC, but you'll live. Please note that this is PRE-TWILIGHT. And none of them have met Bella, Jacob, etc).

* * *

Sometimes I really wonder how I get myself into these situations. Normally I'm not involved in all the childish antics of my adopted siblings. Normally I'd just stay out of it. Esme and/or Carlisle would always stop the shenanigans before they got too out of hand.

But no. Not this time. This time is completely different. Because on this particular occasion, Carlisle and Esme aren't of much help. They are out on their little island for a week-long vacation. While they'd never say so out loud, I knew that it was simply to get away from the utter chaos of our household. Frankly, I don't blame them one bit.

Being the resident empath is no easy task in a house of eternally-teenage vampires, let me tell you. Especially a house that contains a certain Emmett McCarty Cullen. He really has to be one of the most obnoxious and immature people that I've ever met in my entire life- and trust me, I've met quite a few obnoxious people in my relatively long lifetime.

Now don't get me wrong, he's a good guy and all and I don't really feel all that strongly either way about him. But, to tell you the truth, he drives us all insane. Especially me. If you had ever met him, you wouldn't be all that surprised when I tell you that Emmett is quite the prankster. He just loves to rile people up and watch them explode (figuratively speaking, of course).

And if you've ever had an obnoxious sibling, I'm sure you understand our lack of enthusiasm about constantly being subject to his immature little practical jokes. And, as I mentioned, it is particularly irritating to me. The reason I say that is, of course, because of my gift of empathy. Not only do I feel my own irritation towards him but I also have to deal with the additional aggravation of everyone around me. And as an added bonus, I get the responsibility of using my emotion manipulation to calm everyone down, regardless of the fact that I want to strangle him too.

And if by now, you think that I should just stop whining and use those nice emotion manipulation powers on myself, I suggest you shut up and pay attention. I have thought of that and tried, but cannot do it. If I could, I'd have the perfect self control of everyone else in my adoptive family.

But, unfortunately, neither of those are true. They only work on others and, even then, only when I'm relatively close to the person, or people, I intend to use them on. My life would be much easier if I COULD just calm myself the way I do for the others.

I'd have that self-control and Carlisle and them would never have to pick up everything and move on my behalf ever again. But as I mentioned before, this is the real world and not everything works the way we wish it to.

* * *

But I digress. The important thing I need to get across is this: Emmett has been waiting for this for a while. For a chance to wreak havoc without fear of being punished by Esme. And that chance has finally come. I'm sure that he has a significant amount of tricks up his sleeve that he can't wait to put into action. And I can tell now that none of them will fit into MY plans of relaxing. But, being the optimist I am, I'm going to attempt it regardless of that fact.

Esme and Carlisle have been gone for about two hours. So far, all is well. But that won't last. It's just the calm before the storm and I'm enjoying it while it lasts. You see, I'm trying my hand at art. You know, painting, pottery, and that sort of thing. Esme suggested it as a way to distract myself from all the frustration in my life. I've figured that now was as good a time as any to begin that.

I decided that I'd start small with painting something that I see around me. Looking around the room I shared with Alice, I didn't really see much that interested me. It was mostly furniture and things that Alice and Esme picked out. I didn't have much say and really didn't care. I learned early on that letting Alice decide those things was an easy way to keep her happy and out of my hair.

Eventually, I decided to paint the lamp that sits on the nightstand beside the bed. It was mostly for show, seeing as how Alice and I can see perfectly in the dark without it, but Alice loved it for some reason and I had pretty much given up trying to debate with her over things like that. After memorizing every last detail of my new subject, I grabbed my paintbrush, lightly dipped it into the paint and began my work.

After about ten minutes, my lamp was shaping up nicely and I'd finished the outline and started the stripes that went across the lampshade. I was fairly pleased with myself since it was pretty good for my first attempt. As I continued my steady brushstrokes, I silently thanked Esme for her suggestion.

Having spent most of my life focused on violence and death- both in my time with Maria and during my human years leading up through the War- I'd never really been able to express my frustration in any way other than removing someone's head from their shoulders. That being said, this was a refreshing change of pace.

* * *

Now, having spent as many years living with Emmett as I have, I probably should have been able to detect the signs of him approaching my room. After all, I do have extra-sensitive hearing, AND Emmett hasn't really ever been known to be stealthy or discreet to any stretch of the imagination. But in my defense, I was completely wrapped up in my thoughts and my painting, trying to make it look as decent as possible without any prior experience.

So, when the door FLEW open and slammed into the wall hard enough to leave a sizable dent and scratch the paint, it probably makes sense that I would be startled. Especially when immediately afterward, Emmett burst into my room saying (at an unnecessarily deafening volume, considering the fact that we were in the same room), "Hey, Jasper! Guess what?"

I ignored him, continuing to stare at my painting and mourn my twenty minutes of wasted effort. In my surprise at Emmett's dramatic entrance I had been in mid-stroke and had made a giant blue streak across the canvas, instantly ruining it. Feeling my fury grow every second, I clenched my fist to prevent myself from turning and strangling my idiot brother. Only after snapping by paintbrush in half did I decide to try to calm down enough to see what it was that he wanted.

After taking a few long, deep breaths, I turned to face him. From personal experience, I know that Emmett is one of those people where you don't even need to be an empath to tell how he is feeling; his current demeanor was no exception to the rule. He was practically bursting with excitement. And more likely than not, it meant that he had already begun to take advantage of Esme's absence.

My anger must have shown on my face because as soon as I turned to face him, he flinched and grew pale; which was saying something considering how pale he was already. But I felt no sympathy for him. In fact, I felt a bit of satisfaction at the small amount of fear I could sense in him. And while you may call that vindictive, I call it justice. And I intended to make him feel as much remorse as I possibly could before kicking him out of my room.

"Emmett." I began. "Do you see that painting over there?" I gestured towards it as I spoke, hearing the barely contained anger in my own voice. He didn't speak but nodded weakly to show that he had heard me. "I was working on that before you barged in. And now it is ruined. You better have a VERY good reason for charging in here while I'm trying to relax." If my anger was contained before, it didn't stay that way. By the end of my mini-rant, I was doing everything in my power not to yell at the top of my voice.

But that changed the second I saw Emmett's face. It was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. The only time he'd ever looked more afraid was the time he and Edward had smashed Esme's favorite vase while wrestling. We (Carlisle, Alice, Rosalie and I, that is) had honestly feared for their lives that day. Esme had been absolutely livid.

* * *

But even that was nothing compared to now. Despite the fact that he was a good two inches taller than me, by the way he was cowering you'd think I towered over him. I found it hilarious. But I snapped out of my internal gloating when I'd realized that he had started to speak. "-hadn't realized you were busy. I'll just be leaving now." He had been slowly inching closer to the door with every word and was halfway out the door by the end of the sentence. But I wasn't about to let him off the hook that easily. He was gonna answer for my ruined painting, whether he liked it or not.

"Not so fast there, brother of mine. Clearly, you had something of DIRE IMPORTANCE to say to me. You wouldn't have barged in here so rudely otherwise. So please, do share. I can't wait to hear what you've got to tell me." I was smirking cruelly all throughout this, enjoying the time I had to watch him squirm under my "death stare", as the others call it.

"No, really. It can wait. I just wanted to tell you about my next prank. But I can tell that you're not in the mood. So I'll just go talk to Edward and leave you to your painting and whatnot." He smiled pitifully at the end, in some sort of attempt to charm me into letting him go. But now that my suspicions had been confirmed, I was curious. Who was it that was doomed to be his first victim?

Clearly it wasn't me or Edward, otherwise he wouldn't have been willing to tell either of us. That only left the girls. Rosalie, his wife and "my twin" and Alice, MY lovely wife. If I had to bet on who was more likely to be his first victim this time around, I'd have to choose Alice. I say this because through all of the years since Alice and I joined this coven together, I've gotten to know Emmett and Rosalie quite well. With that, I can say with some certainty that Emmett is not so suicidal that he'd torment her as much as he does the rest of us.

And my suspicions were once again confirmed when the silence was broken by my Alice screaming, "Emmett! What the hell did you do to me?" This brought out a wide, mischievous grin onto Emmett's once fearful face, his emotions shifting accordingly. I could do nothing more than sigh and ask, "Is it reversible?"

He grinned even wider and replied, "Probably, but only after a few hours and a lot of scrubbing with soap and water." With that, he ran out of the room and up the stairs, probably to go tell Edward or Rosalie of what he'd done. I, however, turned to go into the bathroom Alice and I shared to, hopefully, fix whatever had her in such hysterics. And I knew that it wasn't going to be pleasant.

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AN: So, what do you think? Reviews and constructive criticism would be appreciated.


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